Having a structured, well-balanced, breakfast is so important to start your day off right.

But obtaining that structured, well-ordered balance in one's own life is another matter. I just don't know sometimes. . .

I would like to think that some sort of sound logic would play a leading role in what happens and what I decide to do, but being a mix of so much more than that, simple thoughts and decisions that use to come easy, get abstracted out into a frenzy of complicated overwhelming walls of thought-inertia.

On automatic pilot, I use to brake things down into simple equations, make snap decisions (for better or worse) without a second guess or looking back and just move forward. I spent years being pushy, pushing (forcing is probably a better word) immediacy, decisiveness and action upon myself and others.

Though in some test cases I can see the benefits of being an asshole and how it served me and-or my employer well, but more often than not I think the teeter tottor favored tipping in a direction other than I intended. The end result - stressed or fractured relationships accompanied by that big giant cat toy of anxiety.

It's difficult to find balance between the highs and lows of a fairly odd and goofy state of existence I find I've gotten myself into. In the middle of it somewhere is self-critique trying to reason and sort things out, while at the same time trying to avoid the perils of regret, being a shut-in or becoming the wade of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe.

My Sister's multiple scleroses is catching up with her and causing her great pain. Meanwhile my Dad is in the hospital for severe chest pains, angina and possible open-heart surgery. Both of my parents are resigned to death and are pushing away the love and support of their kids, friends and family.

And I wonder where I got being a depressive anti-social from.

Ironically, except for the actions that govern my physical time, space, health and money, life doesn't feel that out of control. I get annoied with aspects of it at times, but everything feels very much deliberate, under control, done with purpose and on purpose. I'd like to think that I'm living life intentionally, or at least trying to rather than just letting it plop on me like a ton of shit bricks.

In any case even with all the crap going on in life, my Sister's multiple scleroses, Dad in the hospital, love lost, long distance from loved ones, I've got a lot of wonderful people and family in my life for the most part and it's a good place to be.

That's something I've never been very good at, letting myself live in the moment, at the moment, letting that moment be whatever it is, enjoying it and just be. But I think I'm getting better at that. Even with the highs the lows, the flats and laughs, it's the experience of life and I don't think I would change it for the world.

As usual I really don't have a clue as to what the fuck I'm going on about and I'm just babbling in one big circle of contradiction while staring at the bottom of an empty coffee cup.

UPDATE: 10/12/2007

Last week my Dad was in the hospital for severe angina-chest pains. He was lined up for open heart surgery and a very risky by-pass procedure. Instead they were able to insert a couple of surgical steel mesh tubes - stints, into the clogged parts of his blood vessel - arteries to keep them open.

He's recovering nicely, relatively pain free and is up walking about at home. I think he sounds better than he has in months.